Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.