Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.