someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong