I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
❤️❤️❤️
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
The news in a nutshell.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.