GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.