’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities