Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
WHY?!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone