me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I drew y’all a little something.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Wait a minute…
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?