Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.