My beach vacation Google searches
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE