Jesus Christ lmao
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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
how to have an accident 101
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.