[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Taking phone security to the next level.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.