” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
i smell a pulitzer
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share