I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.