My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.