The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
what
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.