1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.