Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese