Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
#catsoftwitter
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Lmao the reply
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together