If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“our sushi is very fresh”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.