This is a sub tweet
You Might Also Like
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Traveler’s camo
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.