god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
me adding lol on a serious message
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[adds another nod to the conversation]
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.