When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
me hooking up with my ex
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …