The most important meal of the day is the next one
You Might Also Like
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now