If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
broke down and did it
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone