Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
You Might Also Like
Best mom ever 😂
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.