me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You Might Also Like
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
no one likes gloating
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.