girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?