“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
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If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.