I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”