I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any