I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
You Might Also Like
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.