I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.