You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
This makes total sense…
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Flowers bee like
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.