Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.