Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling