9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
🤣🤣🤣
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac