I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Woke up against my better judgment again
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
i’m laughing very hard in real life
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are