I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine