Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh