I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.