I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Covid like
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.