I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I just ran a .003048K
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?