You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 馃挭
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Best Mother鈥檚 Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If you don鈥檛 fold the laundry, it won鈥檛 get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 馃摑馃槶
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I鈥檒l make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You鈥檒l be right as rain.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My parents didn鈥檛 raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: I know we haven鈥檛 known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I鈥檓 here to marry you AND your fianc茅 now get up people are staring
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.