I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.