1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking