the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Lol.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.