History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.