Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.