2022: I can fix it
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Hard not to take this personally
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Can’t stop laughing
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start